little bird.

the eels.

Little bird

Hoppin' on my porch

I know it sounds kinda sad

But what's it all for?

Right now you're the only friend I have in the world

And I just can't take out very much

Goddamn

I miss that girl

Little bird

You look all right

I'm sure it's not easy

Gettin' through your night

So tell me this can't be how it's gonna end

Tell me my heart

Somehow

Dear God

Is gonna mend

Little bird

I guess you're right

Can't let her take me out

Without a fight

But right now I can't see making sense of this world

I just can't take out very much

Goddamn

I miss that girl

christmiss.

my parents and i packed up the car and headed out of town this weekend because the idea of being at home on christmas was just too much. we made it through the holiday and now we don't have to think about that again for a while. teresa and i really love christmas, most people do, of course, but we really do. a combination of being spoiled, loving our family and throwing a really fun christmas party helped make this season our mutual favorite. this december was not easy. no day is, but the last month was just awful and i still can't imagine feeling better. i know that it's possible but i'm very discouraged.

i haven't been dreaming about her. a lot of people have told me that they have had dreams of teresa, really wonderful dreams, and i've had, like, two. dreams are weird and they're different for everyone so i know i can't worry about such a thing but i was starting to feel like i was doing something wrong. but she was in my dream last night and in the dream she knew that she was sick and that she wouldn't live much longer. she was sad, she wasn't herself. i tried to console her. we were having a family party and she was in the kitchen cooking and having a good time but when she finished she was sad again. i woke up and realized that her unexpected death, although frustrating, is better than if she had known. she would not have been the same person if she had known that this would happen and i took comfort in that for a few moments.

teresa has also taught me that you can't assume anything will happen at any time. on christmas i was feeling miserable but realized that maybe next christmas we'll miss her but we'll be in a better place. how can any of us know what life will be like in a year. and feeling better won't mean that we miss her any less. i know that she would hate to see her loved ones miserable.

thinking of you.

there's a beautiful sky tonight and if you were by my side then we could share but you're gone. so come at with your moon and burn me in the stars cause nothing matters any more.

how to deal.

it's been three weeks. the three longest weeks of my life. and i know that it only gets harder from here. everyday i wake up and think the same thing and then have the terrible realization that i can't wake up in the past and that she really is gone. and i'm just not sure how anyone is supposed to move forward from something like this. my heart literally aches sometimes. and when it's not my heart i have this sinking feeling in my stomach, the feeling you get when you're really scared. and when i don't feel scared i just feel weak.

on saturday over lunch with jordan she asked what i do to feel better. my response? "i don't." i'm not sure i'll ever feel better. maybe i'll cope with this. maybe i'll wake up and i'll know she's gone and i won't feel an overwhelming sense of weight on my heart and i won't feel this sadness. how do you ever find comfort in the absence of something you always relied on for that very thing?

lately i've been in my head a lot with a million different thoughts running through it all at once, yet i try to vocalize anything, any thought or feeling, and i can't. my parents and i decided to see a counselor and we went yesterday to our first session and as i sat on the couch and listened to my parents, my heart broke even more. and every time i wanted to say anything i was unable to find the words. to even describe what i feel right now would be impossible. how do you describe the most devastating thing you've ever experienced with anything but tears?

most of the day i'm just distracted by thoughts of teresa. our last conversation. that last hug when she left megan's birthday party the last time i saw her. the last thing we laughed about. the last plan we made. and i just think of all of those moments and how insignificant they seemed at the time. and now they're all i have. that last hug will be with me forever. when i'm not thinking of the moments and memories we shared i am plagued by thoughts of a future without my sister and my best friend. how will i find joy in a life without her?

these are all questions that no one has the answer to. every loss is different.

people who have experienced a great loss like this will give advice and comforting words and tell you that eventually you'll find the strength to move on, but no one has experienced what i am. every relationship is different, every feeling is unique.

i still can't believe she is gone.

t.

Last week in the early morning of November 23 my beautiful sister Teresa passed away in her sleep. She lived for 24 years, 2 months, and 8 days. My parents and I believe the death was caused by severe trauma suffered during an epileptic seizure. And just like that, my whole world changed.

Teresa wasn’t just my younger sister, she was my best friend. People have said how lucky we were to have such a strong bond, but like any relationship, that bond took a lot of work. We argued often, disagreed and said things to each other that you could only say to someone that you knew would come back. More so than we would argue we would laugh. We would laugh about everything and at anyone. I think we shared more laughs together in her short 24 years than some people do in a long lifetime. We were blessed with wicked senses of humor and luckily, we found the same things funny. Often Teresa would mouth funny and inappropriate things to me from across the dinner table and we would bust up laughing only to have our mom say “what’s so funny?” and we would reply “nothing”. Friends have often referred to Teresa as my mini me. I always liked to describe her as the smaller, cuter, nicer version of me. Either way, the resemblance is strong and that is something I will have for the rest of my life. It’s been hard though, to look in the mirror, and not think of her and all the times we would dress as twins and even try to convince people that we had never met that we were in fact twins. No one ever believed us because we couldn’t get through a sentence without laughing. I watched as she grew up into the beautiful woman that she was and I tried to give her my best advice in any situation. I wanted to be her friend but being the best older sister I could possibly be was priority number one.

Not a moment and I mean literally not a single second goes by that Teresa is not on my mind. She was already in my thoughts often as everything I did I wanted to share with her. For the last couple of years we talked nearly every day by text message, IM, facebook and often by the 2 am phone calls that we all adjusted to receiving. I am grateful to technology now in a way I never was before. We have 4 years of facebook wall-to-wall conversation saved forever on the internet. To others it must have seemed like we were speaking in code because I look back on some of our conversations and I’m not even sure what we were talking about.

I know that Teresa will be with me in spirit and in my heart for the rest of my life but I want her to be here. It’s not just that we had a million plans to do a million different things together, it’s that I feel incomplete without her. We were there for each other during some very emotional and very difficult situations. We grew to have such a great bond because we relied on each other to be there for the other when other people were not there for us. In a sense I feel like a part of my strength is gone and I don’t know how I will regain it. I want to be strong for her and I want to do the things I always said I would because I know that is what she would have wanted. If she’s not here to tell my stories to I feel like there is no point in doing anything.

They say time heals the pain but I can’t imagine this hole in my heart could ever be filled.

Without Teresa taco bell doesn’t taste as delicious, anchorman isn’t as funny, saves the day doesn’t sound as sweet and my life will never be as good.