what a long, strange year it's been.

as most know, this year did not start out well. and while things are a little better, i hardly think it's end much better than it started. i don't know that i'll ever enjoy this time of the year again. maybe if christmas and new years could be moved to another month i might like it again, but i find it hard to be festive or merry or bright without teresa. who knows if/when that will change. for now, i'm dealing, and i never thought i'd make it to this quasi-ok place.

it wasn't easy to get here. i started the year in a dark place and i never thought i'd feel better again. i never really thought i'd feel anything other than sad. but i made choices this year to make myself feel better. i over indulged when i thought it would help, i made it a point to spend time with people that matter, to do things that were stimulating and satisfying. i ate amazing food, saw amazing sights, laughed a lot, cried even more than that, loved, hurt and everything in between. i did all of those things for teresa. i felt her presence with me everywhere i went.

as the year winds down and i reflect on everything that has happened over the last twelve months i am really proud of myself. i have tried, with all of my strength, to turn the most tragic to happen in my life to something i can learn from and grow from. missing teresa never goes away, it never changes but i've learned that i can deal with it in various ways and i've decided to do it as positively as possible. 

the most amazing thing that i did this year was turn her birthday party into an opportunity to raise awareness about and fundraise for epilepsy research. working with cure and my friends and family on teresa's birthday event was a positive way to spend a terrible day. i am still so proud of what we were able to accomplish in teresa's honor and it's opening possibilities for even more stuff in the future. 

the other thing i did was try to better my mental situation in a variety of ways. i started the year going to weekly counseling with my parents which was both brutal and helpful. when that didn't help as much as i hoped, i turned to medicine and started taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds, so i could get through the really dark days. the anti-depressant helped, i didn't want to use it as a crutch though, and after 5 months i went off of them, they did their job and i feel so grateful to modern science for that. when i realized that things in my personal life were negatively affecting me, i changed them. i got a new job that i love. i'm happy to head to work in the morning which i didn't know was possible. i get support from my boss and colleagues that i've never really experienced before and that helps me during the anxiety or panicky times in my day, which still come and go.

i'm glad that 2011 is almost over. it was a year of firsts without teresa. her first birthday, my first birthday, holidays, vacations, family dinners, etc. nothing prepares you for what it might be like to spend time doing your normal activities without the person that makes them normal. that was hard, but i'm getting more comfortable bringing her up and telling stories and remembering all of the amazing times we did get to spend together. and i know that as the next year passes and it's the second time i'm doing something special without her, whatever it may be, that it's ok to have a good time and think of her and feel love and happiness.